


La Tristesse Durera Toujours

by revengefrankislife



Category: Phan, dan and phil, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Drabble, M/M, Phan - Freeform, haha ngl i cried writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-09 02:22:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5521937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revengefrankislife/pseuds/revengefrankislife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He gets the call that Dan walked out in front of a car at 5:43pm on Wednesday the 11th of June. Even though he tries to listen, he's too numb to hear anything other than 'dead upon impact'. The note pinned up on his bedroom door, however, is something he can't do anything but pay attention to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	La Tristesse Durera Toujours

Phil.

  
The worst part about this is that I’m not scared. All of my life, the concept of death has both intrigued and excited me, but it’s never scared me. However, I can’t tell you how much I hate writing this; probably almost as much as you’ll hate reading it. Don’t fill your head with my absence, though. Fill it with your memories, with our memories. Because even though what we had was short, it was everything. Colour, thousands of small explosions and hissing sparks every time we touched.

  
I hate existence. I always have. But you made it go away which left me so much worse off than I was before. You were my everything and I think that was the most terrifying thing of all. I love you so much, but do you know how horrifying it is to know that you were my lifeline? I, an unimportant human, have imposed my fragile life on somebody amazing and at first I was scared that you would leave, that you would walk away and leave me with my mind.

  
But you didn't leave, and I hate that. We both know I’m getting worse but I can see not only physically but mentally that my problems are starting to weigh you down so much more than they ever have before. You refuse to sleep unless I am asleep, and you get so little rest before I wake you up with me screaming or my pacing or my slamming the door to go on a midnight walk. You’ve stopped leaving the house as much because although you deny it, you’re scared to leave me alone. Now I’ve stopped being scared that you will leave, but I can’t shake the feeling that you won't ever leave. You’ve been so caught up making sure I’m alive that you’re forgetting to live for yourself. Your birthday, remember that? Your first words were “Dan, are you okay?” because I fucked up and fucked up big. I never got to apologise for that so I may as well in my last goodbye.

  
Phil Lester. I am so sorry that I tried to kill myself on the eve of your birthday, and even more sorry that I succeeded on mine. I know you’ll disagree but I think this was better for both of us. I had to leave before you died inside, and I think walking out on you would have ended up killing the both of us.

  
-

  
Don't you dare think for even a second that this is your fault. It's come to my attention that people (you in particular) have a way of doing that, blaming themselves for things they have no control over. I think they do it to cope, and an in odd way it kind of works. But don’t. My suicide was inevitable, just as inevitable as the sunset or the stars burning out. In a way, you made my life longer – we both know that I wasn’t on top of that building for the view on the night we met. You gave me a reason to stay for a while, to stay in a place where I don’t think I ever belonged. I love you so fucking much, but I have to go now. I always had to go.

  
As Vincent Van Gough once said, "La tristesse durera toujours."

  
It’s the end now.

  
\- Dan.

**Author's Note:**

> i hate myself


End file.
